Tooth & Nail

Turning on the news or opening the morning newspaper is too often a deluge of reported misery. Shock value stories range across landscapes of war, murder, tornadoes and white collar larceny, with frequent stops along scenes of moral degeneracy. It’s no wonder that mental health specialists often recommend that patients refrain from watching or reading news stories. Most times a few pages of the newspaper with morning coffee are enough to remove the smile from anyone’s day.

Now and again we are rewarded with an over the top story that’s wacky and laughable, an incident ultimately trivial and minor in terms of injury. You know, the spatting Virgin Atlantic passengers who ripped each other’s clothes half off, pulled out hair and did $40,000 worth of damage to the plane, or the New Jersey ordinance that regulates when chickens and roosters can hook up. One or two of these crazy news spots pop up every couple of days. Well, yesterday was something of a strange day for Deltona, Florida when a local dentist had an odd tussle and across town a woman in a nail salon didn’t like her manicure.

The headline read: DELTONA DENTIST ARRESTED AFTER ‘TUG OF WAR’ WITH 85 YEAR-OLD’S DENTURES.

The drama started when Dr Michael Hammond began adjusting the lower partial dentures of his elderly patient, Virginia Graham. Midway through the adjustment Graham began screaming in pain, snatched the dentures out of her mouth and threw them at her dentist. He managed to catch the dentures but when he refused a refund Graham grabbed the dentures and began tugging to get them away from the dentist. The two of them wrestled and tugged, stumbling down a hallway until the sharp dentures cut into Graham’s finger. At that point she bit (or gummed) the dentist’s hand until he released the dentures, then hightailed it for the door. Dr Hammond blocked her path and grabbed her arms. Finally, the distraught patient, blood on her arms, shirt and hand from the vicious tug of war climbed onto the receptionist’s desk and tried to make her getaway through a window. During the altercation an employee called 911.

The dentist was charged with false imprisonment, grand theft, battery on a person over 65 years old and assault on a person over 65 years old and transported to the county jail.

Meanwhile, in a Deltona nail salon a few streets away Cynthia Colson was getting a manicure. After the manicurist finished Colson complained that she was not satisfied, that her nails were too short and she was being overcharged. And without missing a beat she whipped out her cell and called 911. A few minutes later she made a second 911 call, complaining that the nail technician had “manhandled her” and threatened to cut her lip with the nail clippers. She made a THIRD call asking why the deputy had still not arrived. When the deputy arrived he told Colson she would have to pay for her manicure and leave, that she could not press charges and there was nothing left to do. This did not go over well with Colson and she then called 911 a fourth time to say she was not happy with the police officer because he was not helping her. She ended up in jail for misuse of the emergency system. According to Colson, she is shocked and doesn’t know what she did wrong.

Sometimes the foibles of life are too much for color television.